Thoughts of suicide? Please call: 1-800-273-8255
Suicidal Ideation includes the following. Having thoughts wanting or wishing to be dead. Having general nonspecific thoughts of wanting to end one’s life or commit suicide. Having thoughts of methods, but no intent or plan. Having a method and intent, but no plan. Having method, intent, and plan.
(If you have any of the above please call 911 or your doctor or the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.)
Maybe it’s just my normal depressive negative thinking, but I’m pretty sure that today’s post is either going to piss a bunch of people off and/or scare the crap out of them. I really hope that’s not true because I’m really hoping that it will instead educate those who don’t understand us. And at the same time, help comfort people like me who suffer from Suicidal Ideation but are too afraid to reach out or feel that they’re all alone. Because unfortunately, Suicidal Ideation is one of the dirtiest and most damaging little secrets that we with Depression keep hidden and locked up deep inside.
Over the last month I’ve been really battling my depression. It has taken everything to just wake up and head off to group and my doctor’s appointments. I’m not really sure how I managed to keep going everyday (much less actually sitting next to people) because it was next to impossible to even remember to take a shower.
As I was struggling through all of this I noticed one thing that really scared me. My thoughts of suicide or harming myself were increasing. Not only were the thoughts increasing but so was my desire to no longer exist.
See, I honestly began convincing myself that the world would be a better place if I no longer existed. Oh sure, there would be a period of grief and anger over my actions. But in the long run, my loved ones would get over this and move on. No longer having to worry about Eddie, they could set off and enjoy their lives.
Okay, I know. This is the stupidest line of thinking. I know that. Not that I TRULY believe this now. But at the time I did. And what I’m trying to explain is how Suicidal Ideation doesn’t always have to be a selfish act. And honestly, more and more of the people I have talked to that have this affliction have said exactly what I’m talking about. We all honestly believed that the world would honestly be better off without our existence. Sad, stupid, insane even! But nevertheless, true.
Luckily for me I have some awesome people in my life that helped me keep my thoughts about suicide to just that, thoughts. Through Recovery Innovations I had learned what my warning signs and how to recognize when I’m breaking down.
And I’m also lucky to have a Recovery Sponsor that is not afraid to report my ass if I get too carried away. But more importantly, has a desire and willingness to listen to me and help me without being judgmental.
Finally, I have Dr. W. Not that she’s a superwoman, but that I have a caring therapist that listens and will do anything including scheduling extra appointments and giving up her lunch break just to help me when I’m melting down into a big emotional ball of slime.
And that’s the point of what I’m saying. People with Suicidal Ideation need to be able have people who will listen without judging. Be willing to say that what they’re feeling is okay. BUT… what their thinking is not.
And at the same time, they need to have people who understand HOW to get us silent types to talk. How to get us to share not only what we’re feeling, but also share our deepest darkest thoughts.
Because here’s the 100% unvarnished truth of the matter.
If we don’t have someone we absolutely trust, and if that person doesn’t have the will, desire and love to help us no matter what. We will take our dirty little secret to the grave.
Now for my friends out there with Suicidal Ideation. PLEASE!! PLEASE!! Talk to someone. Your doctor, priest, pastor, yogi, teacher, parent, best friend. Or if you don’t trust ANY of those, call the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255) and get some help.
Because it’s one thing to keep a secret, but it’s truly another to die from it.
About Eddie Carrington
Deleted due to inappropriate content
Thank you for sharing. Many of us have traveled the road of thinking about suicide. I did once, when I was younger. I was suffering from a broken heart. It took a while to snap out of the funk I was in, but I was fortunate to have those around me, though they did not know my thoughts, they kept me going.
You are somebody and important to somebody even if that somebody does not always tell you how important you are to them.
Thank you!
And you’re absolutetely correct. Everyone is important. It’s just that often we don’t realize it.
A year ago I finally broke down and asked for mood suppressors. The thoughts of suicide had evolved to sudden compulsions–the feeling that I HAD to commit suicide. I had started to weigh different ways to do so with less mess, less pain, considering what would be better for whoever found me, etc. I didn’t want to commit suicide. I didn’t want to leave my children and grandchildren. I believe life is sacred, a gift, and one that we don’t simply throw back in the Giver’s face ungratefully.
As it turns out, I am bipolar. I had suspected it, but now I know for sure. I faithfully take my meds, and have only mild thoughts now on suicide, not the overwhelming sense that I MUST do it any longer. In fact, I don’t think of it on a daily basis anymore.
To someone who doesn’t have depression or other mental illnesses that cause thoughts of suicide, it must be difficult to understand people like us. We do NOT want to have these thoughts.
Thank you for sharing. I hope this helps, not only those of us who battle thoughts like these, but those wonderful people out there who love people like us and want to help us.
Years ago, I created a plan to end my life. It was an overly complicated plan that involved shooting myself in a forest with a video camera that would be auto-uploaded to YouTube after I was gone. I would leave a video message before I died in a forest, there would be no mess to clean up. Animals and insects would help the decomposing process so no one would have to burden themselves with it. Finding a forest with cellular data coverage to upload the video might be kinda hard but should be doable somewhere.
It feels silly writing this now but I really felt that way at one point. I even marked the day I would do in my Google Calendar several years from now when my kid would already be grown up. You see, I once only thought my only useful purpose was raising my kid and that once she was grown then I would be no longer needed. Im much better now.
Sorry it took me so long to respond to this, but I’ve been unsure how to phrase my thoughts on it. In many ways, reading this makes me look at my Uncle Roger’s situation a little differently. Slight family history: after spending years living in Indy, he moved out to Texas to be closer to his ex-wife and daughters. He spent a couple of years out there, but found that he really didn’t have much of a place in their lives at that point. So he opted to move back to Indy, and committed suicide that night.
In many ways, I understand why he did it. I’m sure that seeing his immediate family shun him as they did would drive most people to do so. And given the suicidal (and self mutilating) thoughts I still have on occasion, it’s not hard to see how someone would almost want to.
I’m glad you have good people in your life to help you through this. And I’m also glad that you are open enough with them to share in your secrets…because I can’t even find words to describe how the alternative is.