Claire

Clara does every annoying internet thing a human can do!

When Facebook started doing games, I was receiving notifications literally every single day from Clara inviting me to Farmville or Castle Ville or whatever the fuck. Then she moved on to the modern pyramid schemes.

I received hundreds of notifications from her trying to sell diet supplements, leggings, smoothies, powders, pills, clothes. Oh my god, why do people fall for this shit? One time she posted a picture of herself drinking a milkshake holding up a little powder packet suggesting that something about this powder, if consumed prior to drinking a milkshake, could somehow negate the caloric and sugar intake of a milkshake?

She ALMOST got me once with an offer to teach me Piano in 21 Days – but then she posted a picture of herself playing and she sounded like absolute shit.

Andrea

Andrea was the only daughter of a family of dentists in a millionaire lake suburb in the Minneapolis metro area. She had two very successful brothers, both dentists. But she had dropped out of several higher degree pursuits before settling on the ubiquitous and barely useable Masters of Public Health.

That med school pressure from her family never ever subsided.

She had all fake teeth due to many years of an eating disorder and an overly-dental family. She only wore J. Crew – usually a horizontal striped long sleeve midi dress, tights, flats, and a J. Crew sweater coat.

He never casually made her way from one place to another – she flinged herself panicked from one room to the next. She always seemed like she was having an emergency – she often was. As the very sad mother of two children, she both resented her children and used them as an excuse to never be at work.

One day I was telling a friend how excited I was about a new vacuum, the Dyson Stick Vacuum, and she literally ran over from three rooms away to yell that it’ll NULLIFY THE WARRANTY ON MY CARPET!

Bitch, I don’t have carpet! Ew!

Peter

Peter was an American living in West Africa – assigned to live in the same village where I’d been living for nearly two years. He arrived volatile, smug, self-satisfied and condescending. During one of our first conversations I used a vocabulary word that he found amusing, stopped me, and blurted “I’m surprised you know that word.” He incorrectly corrected my pronunciation of the word Reykjavik. And he was one of those people who would just suddenly lose his temper, create a dangerous situation, or ruin everyone else’s night.

Well, I left three months after he arrived and began receiving increasingly unhinged emails from him. He was teaching English to the children who lived in his neighborhood. One of them robbed him. He was furious and expressed so much ugliness. Then they started a cooking class and he began a social media campaign for a spice company to endorse him and the kids. They never responded and he lost his mind.

He burned his house down and moved to the capitol until he ended up getting kicked out of the country for being dangerous and unpredictable.

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Dawn

Once upon a time there as a woman named Dawn. She was in her late twenties. She was studying abroad in Rural France – despite not being enrolled in any university program stateside. She revealed many weeks into our time in France that she had two children she had left at home, I’m not sure who cared for them in her 3-month absence.

She arrived with a passport but no cash, one card she claimed was empty of funds, and no contacts. She claimed to have just sold a historical play to the Smithsonian and was awaiting the payment. But that she’d been robbed of her wallet just before leaving for France.

This is how she convinced her roommates to pay for every. single. expense. for the first two months we spent in France. She took a weekend trip to Paris once and upon returning claimed that she’d finally been paid, it was deposited on the debit card she had brought with her but she’d been robbed at the Paris train station.  This is how she convinced her roommates to continue paying until we returned to the States.

It turned out, true story, that Dawn was a former cult member who had fled to France in an attempt to escape the cult. She had left her children there, but hoped to use her time in France to clear her head and get back and mom better. What she ended up doing instead was drinking wine all day every day, fucking every stranger in our village – I’m not exaggerating, taking advantage of everyone who tried to be kind to her, and then blowing them off when they all got home.

She was an asshole. And remains as such.